Dying for Life
In my early 20’s I went through a season of dying to self (it was actually the first of many)! I can still list out all the situations and pain that I endured through that year. But the thing that sticks out in my mind the most is my reaction to the pain. You see, I was at a crossroads in life. My understanding of God up to that point was that “if I do the right things and don’t do the wrong things, then God was on my side and He would keep evil and pain far from me.” When that year overtook me, I wasn’t sure what to do. All of what I believed had been brought into a courtroom, with plenty of evidence supporting that I had been wrong, but it felt at that point like there was no other direction that was pointed at God. And so I turned away. I spent the next months literally constructing a wall in order to keep me safe from all the things I had understood about Him. I stopped going to church, I stopped reading my bible, or any books about God, I stopped praying, I stopped talking about God. I literally quit religion cold turkey.
In my early 30’s we were led by the Lord to move our family across the country. We moved to a small town in Northern California. We had never been to this city, and did not have any contacts there. All we knew was that this next season was one of training and that He had called us to move there. We packed a moving truck full of what we could fit, gave the rest away, and after many confirmations began our journey. We didn’t have enough money to make the trip, but our faith in His provision was at its height. And time and time again He came through. It was one miracle after another that we witnessed. Yet, none of them felt like miracles they just felt like sustenance to get through the present day. I remember sitting in our family room and feeling so depressed and questioning why we made this journey. We had multiple things that seemed to be against us and I still hadn’t been able to find work. Although we knew we had heard God say to go, everything appeared now as if we had made the wrong choice. Since I had learned in my 20’s that walking away wasn’t an option, and that I shouldn’t build some large wall to keep me feeling safe, I did the next best thing. I built a smaller wall and hid behind it. I could still see over the wall when I chose to, but this would at least keep me safe when I felt I needed to be. I remember feeling my heart grow cold in that season. I had believed that the leap of faith was me driving this moving truck across the country without enough money in the envelope. I had thought that once I did that, proving that I believed God would provide, that the storehouses would open and pour out more provision than I needed.
In my mid 30’s we as a family were exhausted. We had been through trial after trial in California and we had been directed to move from where we were to the Carolina’s. We knew this next season was going to be one of establishment. For the first time in our marriage we bought a home, miraculously! And we spent the first 2 years fixing it, because it was desperately in need of redemption. Every room, every floor, ceiling and wall were touched and made new in some way. But in the midst of this season we went through an incredibly painful season that rocked our family, and tested our belief in the goodness of God. Again it felt like we were given more than any human has been built to handle. And although we are still in the process of healing, this is the first time that I didn’t build any walls with God. It was the first time that I could feel my hand in His through the valley. It was the first time that I didn’t question His intentions or His ways, but instead closed my mouth and directed my thoughts to His perspectives. We would go for walks and not need to say a word. He knew my pain, He knew how overwhelmed I felt, He knew I couldn’t do it all, and when all I wanted was for Him to change my circumstances, His embrace was what I was given and it enabled me to keep going.
I believe that these layers of my journey are a pattern and path that the Lord invites us all to walk through. They are layers or levels of surrender however, they also carry another name, the levels of intimacy. The purpose of these seasons of life are to set us free from the very thing we cling to. Ourselves.
Life is not about us; it’s not about our dreams, our destiny or our comfort. And yet if we cannot see the progression of death to self as a blessing, then we’ve traded the true gospel for a false one. It is of the utmost importance that we grow through our trials. We must not feel the need to be perfect in the midst of it, after all, grief and pain are a part of our journey, but the distance we create between us and Jesus is what will hinder us from moving forward and closer to true intimacy with Him. Intimacy is only found in surrender. It is not found on any other path, and our level of surrender to Jesus and where He leads (no matter where He leads us), directly determines our intimacy with Him.
This will test you on many levels, but it will test you the most when you are heading in a direction that you can see the positive outcome of and He asks you to go in a different direction. For some of you reading this, it is the confirmation of what He’s been speaking to you. And I don’t doubt that it may be a painful choice, but I promise you it will be a life-giving one.
Always remember, “Knowing Jesus is our highest goal on this earth.” Everything else flows from this place. And the seasons of pain and trial are the path to knowing Him more than you could without them. It is the necessary way to intimacy, because intimacy with Him exists through our spirit, and our spirit cannot be fully alive alongside our earthly nature. One must die, and the path to the kingdom requires all to die to themselves.
Be blessed on your journey wherever you may be, and find your true enjoyment, not in life, but in the One who created life, who created you, and who is waiting for you to walk with Him through all of it.
On a side note, I am currently writing another novel about this journey specifically and am very excited about it. It is an allegory, but is different from THE COMPASS SERIES in that it spends more time working through what this relationship with Jesus actually and practically looks like. Look out for more news about its release!